Yesterday night, I went to a surprise birthday celebration for my dear friend J from church.  It was wonderful to relax with friends, play wii (i’m an excellent boxer:P), play a fun word game (yes, we are quite nerdy), and most of all, catch up with some old friends.  Four of us girls sat and talked til 3 about everything from boys to career paths to lulu lemon…J and I  continued talking even after the other two girls went to bed.

Growing up with J, I’ve always admired her ability to persevere at whatever task she is faced with.  In terms of academia, I often doubt whether I can truly excel at what I’m doing if I “put my mind to it”.  As I shared with J, she explained to me that she too, experiences such doubts and fears.  So I guess I’m not alone – even the most bright and intelligent minds face periods of self-doubt!  Our conversation reminded me of how so much of our worrying and stressing out comes from relying on our own “might and power” instead of trusting in God, and the power of the Spirit (Zech 4:6).  I also confessed that for me, most of the pressure to do well in school in order to “be something” comes from pride – wanting success in the eyes of man.

I want to do things in this life that will impact eternity.  I want to invest my time in energy in what matters – in people, and in sharing God’s love with people.  But at the same time, I’m scared of failure and so I’ve been avoiding thinking about future decisions (ie: summer projects, co-op, graduation, graduate programs etc).  A verse that J shared spoke out to me a lot:  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Tim 1:7).  I need to stop being such a chicken and allow His power to work through and in me.

Dec 19, a week before THE big family Christmas gathering. I’ve been pretty ill for the past week and my mom’s been scrambling for Christmas gifts on top of work, family, and dealing with a sick child. i’ve been pretty drained out from the constant coughing (hacking if you will), nose blowing, urine releasing, waste defecating, etc. today was much better, temperature gone down, more of an appetite, and most wonderfully…jacq came directly from waterloo, after her final exam, to visit me . as i was saying, i was pretty drained out and i needed something to boost my energy level. i’ve been looking like a zombie all week, i just need a trigger of laughter or something…and that’s just what i got.

my mom sat around the living room laying out all the gifts. she whipped out a pack of tommy hilfiger socks she got for one of my nephews, who’s as old as jacq. my mom said, “he’s such an introvert. i don’t even know what to get him, so i got him a nice pair of socks. should i add anything else?” I said, “how bout a winter hat or scarf?” my mom replied, “but he so introverted, i don’t know if he’s going to wear it.” i think what my mom meant was that she doesn’t know his style, but it came out having to do with his “introvertedness”. my sister was in the middle of this conversion, eating late dinner (by late, i mean 11:00pm), she added, “i guess introverts don’t need to wear anything.” (note that everything up to this point is spoken in chinese) if you know me, i’m a pretty dirty person so i cracked up. as i was giggling i said, “I didn’t know introverts were naked.” my sister said (back to chinese), “yea, all they need to wear is a pair of socks” i laughed out even louder and almost rolled off to the floor. my sister said (back to english), “you were imagining, weren’t you?” yea, i confess that i was thinking much further than what i should have. after this conversation, i don’t think i remember what the meaning of ‘introvert’ is really. i just know i had a good laugh. maybe next time the word ‘introvert’ comes around, i’ll think of a naked boy wearing a pair of tommy hilfiger socks.

*lesson learned: don’t limit gift options because someone is an introvert. besides, who wants to be labeled as one.

Merry Christmas

Hello faithful blog readers,

Unfortunately, this term hasn’t been very productive in terms of blogging (as you can tell). There are seasons when I feel like blogging all the time, and seasons when I don’t. And as I’m just about to start exams, I don’t have time to give a thorough update, but I think as soon as Gord and I are done exams, we will fill you in.

We’re a month away from reaching our goal of reading the bible in a year. It’s been tiresome at times, but I know I’ve learned a lot from it. Right now we’re reading 2 Chronicles and Luke.

Something that spoke out to me in the 2 Chronicles 32 today was King Hezekiah’s exhortation “With him (King Assyria) is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.” This verse was a comfort for me, especially during this time of exams. I notice that when I have exams, I find that I battle against destructive thoughts and feelings of discouragement/despair (even moreso than during the regular term). But yeah, we need not be afraid, because He’s the one helping us fight the battles we’re facing.

Along the lines of offering sacrifices, I read an interesting verse (that I’ve read before but forgot until today)..

At then end of 2 Samuel, David commits another sin by taking a census (which I don’t really get why it’s a sin).  He is then told by a lad named Gad that he should build an altar for the Lord.  And so goes and asks the owner of the threshing floor, Araunah to purchase the land.  Araunah wanted to give the threshing floor for free, but David refused because:

“No, I insist on paying you for it.  I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” 2 Sam 24:24.

Mmm…Sacrifices aren’t meant to be easy, cheap, convenient.

The book of Samuel is a really interesting read… Lots of action, drama…:P  Anyways, I wanted to blog a while ago about Hannah.  Through her story about how desired and prayed so earnestly for a son, I was reminded about how God blesses those who pray and cry out to him…those who realize their need for him.  Similarly, he wants to pour out his blessings on me, but wants me to ask Him and go to Him for help first.

Anyways, yesterday’s passage in 1 Samuel also spoke to me..

Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
as in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
and to listen than the fat of rams.
For rebellion is as the sin of divination,
and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
he has also rejected you from being king.” (1 Samuel 15:22-23)

So basically, God told Saul to slaughter the Amalekites and not leave any of the cattle or people alive.  But Saul thought it’d be a good idea to keep some to offer it as a sacrifice…and he also didn’t kill the king.  Because he went against God’s command, Saul was no longer seen favourably in God’s eyes.   (As a sidenote, the part where Samuel hacks King Agag of the Amalekites into pieces before the Lord is crazy to imagine.  Wow.  Hacking someone for God..=/)

Now when I read about stories in the bible, where God basically “gives up” on people, I get scared that He may do so with me too.  I think Saul’s heart was right with God in the beginning, but he made some mistakes later on (i.e. Not waiting for Samuel to come before offering sacrifices in chapter 11).  Why does God choose to remove His spirit from some people, and not others?  How come God appears to show more mercy to i.e. David?  He was considered a man after God’s own heart, even though he committed adultery, killed an innocent man, tried to hide it…

I was reminded through 1 Samuel 15 that the sacrifices we make not only have to come from our own desires, but must be in line with God’s commandments.  We must worship God in spirit and in truth.  I have often fallen prey to the belief that my hard work and marks in school are my sacrifice to God, but does God really want that at the end of the day?  If anything, God wants my heart, to know I love Him more than recognition and success.   If we love him, we will obey him.

Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. (1 Samuel 15:24)

I think I know why Saul didn’t listen to God.  He was too busy caring about what other people think, and fearing how others see him.

What offering does God look highly upon?  “A broken and contrite heart, you will not despise”.

I will offer up my life
In spirit and truth
Pouring out the oil of love
As my worship to You
In surrender I must give
my every part
Lord receive this sacrifice
Of a broken heart

Jesus what can I give?
What can I bring?
To so faithful a friend?
To so loving a King
Saviour what can be said?
What can be sung?
As a praise of your name
for the things You have done
Oh my words cannot tell
not even in part…
Of the debt of love that is owed
by this thankful heart:)

“The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” John 21:17

I could imagine what Peter was going through when Jesus asked him the third time, “do you love me?” When Jesus came back to celebrate His victory over sin and defeat of the devil, his disciples surrounded him and rejoiced over feast and fellowship. Everyone came before Christ with joyous exclamation. Mary Magdalene announced, “I have sen the Lord.” Thomas shouted, “My Lord and my God!” John cried out, “It is the Lord!” Not Peter, he was tagging along the crowd, not a word…silent. He didn’t run up to Christ to embrace him or show any sign of affection. Instead, Jesus came to him. He was scared, shaken, nervous, guilty, and ashamed. There probably came a rush of the past every time Christ asked for his love. Jesus knew his heart all this time. Out of all His disciple, Christ came to Simon Peter before everyone else. He knew that Simon Peter was unstable, even with his faith in Chirst. Peter denied him several times and had many counts of disobedience. He refused to let Jesus wash his feet; he seized the guard who was trying to rest Jesus; and he denied Christ three times. After all that, Jesus is now sitting next to him. There is no way Peter can face him. Jesus reaffirmed Peter three times and he finally broke down.

Jesus could’ve sat down and talked about other things that were more comfortable sounding. Maybe ask Peter how he’s doing or command him to take care of his flock, but He doesn’t. He gets right down to the root of it all, our hearts. In response, Peter’s heart was shattered.

God knows our hearts and when we come before him, we’re completely transparent, even naked. There’s nothing to hide from Him. When we come before him, all we feel is guilt, shame, and disgrace. We can’t face him for the countless mistakes that we’ve committed. Yet, He doesn’t give up on us and continues to ask us, “do you love me?” As I look to the root of the heart, Christ doesn’t want our offering and our service as much as He wants our fist love to be Him, and only Him.

I think Gordon posted about this in his not for men, but for God a while back…but it’s something that I was reminded of today.

I have a tendency of being “too hard on myself”. I get annoyed at myself for what are really trivial things. Whenever I’m responsible for wasting other people’s time, causing other people inconvenience, disappointing other people I feel frustrated quite a bit. I guess the reason why I am this way is because of a combination of reasons. Although I’ve never been told I’m “A” type, but I think I have pretty high expectations of myself and often of the people around me. For example, if I commit to something, I do my best to be on time, fulfill all the requirements. I get annoyed when others are tardy, if they appear like they don’t care about their commitment.

Why am I like this? I think part of it is because I am concerned about how others see me. I want others to see me as hardworking, dedicated/committed, responsible, kind, caring. Sometimes pride can take the form of what appears to be “low self esteem”.

Today I was trying to find waterloo radio with my housemate vicky so that we can get our money back – I never listen to Waterloo radio. When I couldn’t find the place after 10 minutes, I began to apologize to her, feeling like I was wasting her time. I think it’s partially cuz my family is pretty impatient and they’ve taught me to never let be an inconvenience to people – consider other people first. I didn’t really realize the thought processes going through my head, but Vicky asked me if I put myself down a lot. I never really thought about that, but I think I do. She told me that it’s a problem because although it’s important to be compassionate and considerate of others, I should not feel bogged down with guilt when I do something wrong or disappoint others.

In Galatians 5:1 it says it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Jesus says in John 5:44 that I do not accept praise from men…How can you believe if you accept a praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?

I guess it was a good reminder of how I should examine my motives when I do something for others…Ie: am I doing it out of sincere love from comes from my knowing/experiencing God’s love? Or am I doing it so others will think more highly of me?

He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him (John 7:18)

As I read the book of Judges and learn about characters like Samson, I’m reminded of the consequences of people doing “what is right in their own eyes”….that is, they pave their way to destruction.  With Samson, his parents were given specific instructions not to let Samson eat/drink/touch anything unclean, and not to shave his head because he is a Nazirite.  But instead of keeping to his own people, Samson decides to marry a Philistine because she was “right in his own eyes”.  And then he ends up killing a whole lot of people, and his wife is given to someone else.  After that, he disobeys God again, and chases a charming girl named Delilah (who is presumably a Philistine)…And then he ends up losing his strength and having his eyes gouged out because his hair is shaved off.

In today’s society, you’re generally seen as “good” if you don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t kill…if you’re a person of many morals.  Many people don’t see the relevance in believing in a God who takes away sin because they simply don’t think they’re “bad people”.   But the truth is, even if we earnestly seek after what we believe is right, we can be wrong.

And so, we must always strive to do what is right in God’s eyes, and not our own morality.   But that’s not to say that we won’t falter – many characters in the bible who earnestly tried to seek God’s heart failed at some point (Ie: King David).  Samson’s story shows that God can triumph through our failings.  In the end, we see how the blind Samson manages to gather enough strength to push over the pillars that sustain the structure of the Philistine house.  So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life (Judges 16:30b).  Although maybe he shouldn’t have done it, because “vengeance is the Lord’s”.

devil sticks are a set of trick sticks featured back in the early 90s. it is composed of three sticks: a baton stick and two for for control. i remember watching it on tv ads where kids would master the rhythm and the art of balancing, twirling, and juggling the baton. well, i got a set for myself and thought i could show off my own skills. turns out that i had no skills, i even had trouble balancing the baton on my my control sticks. i gave up and soon the fad was over (like yomegas, tamagotchis, tickle-me-elmos, and the rest of them).

yesterday, i got my NEW set of devil sticks. they’re called crutches and the object that i’m trying to balance with is my ankle. before i explain why i’m using crutches, let’s rewind and playback on the scene after sunday service yesterday afternoon. i had just dropped off my sister to work and raced directly to jacq’s house. when i got there, she told me her dad was really sick, so i might need to help drive her to waterloo, load luggages, and stuff like that. i told her sincerely that i had a soccer game, but i can help. jacq was being very considerate and told me to go play soccer. well, it turns out that soccer wasn’t all that great, though it was an incredible experience! i was on the field playing forward position, dashing across the field to receive the ball. the goalie charged at me, i faked the ball around him, shot it, and then BOOM! the 200 lb defense man (out of no where) came crashing into my right ankle. i collapsed, lying speechless in agony. i was later sent to ER, where i was told that i got a pretty bad sprain and i had t0 walk on crutches for a week or so. if i had chosen to go to waterloo, would this have happened? iunno, but i do know that i’ll be missing jacq’s birthday in waterloo on wednesday . now plans have changed, and i’m stuck learning how to balance my foot with these sticks.

i’m immobile. i can’t walk, i can’t drive, and i can’t even pick up the phone without stumbling over things. i’m weak, but there’s a lesson well taught. the wonderful thing is that i’m experiencing what it means when scripture says, if one part suffer, every part suffers with it. i find myself balancing on one foot many times, getting off of a seat requires strenuous work on other parts, and my arm pits hurt from those devil sticks.

i went on youtube and checked out some cool tricks on crutches. here it is:

in response to my last post, things have changed a lot since then. i was pretty darn bitter and angry at that point, but things have gotten better since. i met up with him one night and just talked out our thorns that have been bugging us for months. basically, it just came down to lack of communication about our problems. there was something we were pissed off each other, but we tossed it in the back burner…to a point where we had blocked each other out. things got a lot more complicated when we were forced to see each other through different things we were affiliated in. well, i’m glad that we talked it through. it wasn’t easy, but at least we got it off of our shoulders. phew, i can breathe now as for our friendship, well, it’s going to take some time to heal now that thorn came out of the flesh. (wait a minute, isn’t that from our reading in 2 Cor. 12? just different context )

what a summer! and it’s coming to a close very soon. i spent some time retrospecting on the summer. jacq and i were confessing that it’s actually really hard to keep a solid foundation with God each day during our work terms. life is so on the ball when you’re working and many time, it consumes you. i guess we’re both busy freaks, meaning that we can spend a moment without something to do. we like to jam our schedules as much as possible until we blow up in people’s faces. there still is a lot to juggle with taking on too much. i had a friend who said if you find that you have more than 7 roles than you’re burning out. i gave it some thought, 7 it a lot, but i think it varies between people. so what is doing too much? i think doing too much is when God becomes secondary over the primary position he deserves to be in. i find that i’m always trying to plug him into my schedule, like trying to squeeze in QT on a tight schedule. i confess that i am absent minded of Him. this brings me back to reflection on 2 Cor. 12. I think this passage or verse carried me through many obstacles in my early Christian life, but i forgot about it. thank God that i get to re-capture the taste of it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.” 2 Cor 12:9-10

as much as the apostle paul is boasting, i think the greatest thing of rejoicing in his suffering is having the guts to admit that he is weak. it takes humility and courage to admit that one is weak and lowly, so that His power is made perfect in us. hopefully and prayerfully that jacq and i can be strengthened through our weaknesses too.